


Everybody Poops (Except Monsters, Apparently)

by Rockinmuffin



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Bathroom Humor, Gen, Gender-neutral Reader, Humor, I'M AN ADULT!, Nothing explicit but..., POV Second Person, Reader-Insert, heehee I said butt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 16:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5097497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rockinmuffin/pseuds/Rockinmuffin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which you have two cups of coffee and an uncomfortable conversation</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Poops (Except Monsters, Apparently)

**Author's Note:**

> I won’t apologize for art.

You shouldn’t have had that extra cup of coffee this morning.

You knew it was a bad idea even as you poured it into your mug but that didn’t stop you from chugging it down in three gulps. You needed it, you justified, because you were going to be spending the day with the skeleton brothers. You needed it to be able to keep up with Papyrus’ seemingly-endless supply of energy. You needed it to help you endure Sans’ terrible jokes.

Now, sitting on the couch between Papyrus and Sans, you can feel your bad decision crawling through your insides.

You try to ignore it for as long as you can manage but, after ten minutes worth of squirming in your seat and several side glances from Sans, you know that you’ve reached your limit. If you ignore this any longer, you’re going to have a bad time.

“Hey,” you squirm again, adjusting yourself in an effort to relieve the building pressure, “Do you guys mind if I use your bathroom?”

“Of course not, human!” Papyrus slaps a hand across your back in a friendly manner and it takes every ounce of strength in your body not to piss yourself right then and there. “Our home is your home!”

Permission granted, you leap from the couch and make a b-line out of the living room to head upstairs. You move with an agility you didn’t know you were capable of, climbing up the stairs two steps at a time until you’re right outside the bathroom door. You step inside, closing the door and locking it behind you. Your fingers are already working on the button of your jeans when you notice something’s amiss.

And that something is a toilet.

You give the room a quick onceover. There’s a tub, a sink, and even a linen closet to store towels, but there’s not a porcelain throne in sight.

You stand there for a moment, staring blankly at a spot on the floor as if a toilet will spontaneously materialize in front of you through sheer force of will if you just stare long enough. But nope; even in the home of a magical race of monsters, the Law of Conservation of Mass prevents a toilet from appearing out of thin air.

Bladder still full, you button your pants back up and exit the bathroom. You walk down the steps at a much slower pace than when you had climbed them, using the time to think about what you’re going to do.

Papyrus smiles as you step into the living room again. “I hope your trip to the bathroom was pleasant. Feel free to visit it anytime!”

“Hey…” you say, drawing out the word as you try to think how to bring up what’s on your mind. “I don’t mean to alarm you guys but your toilet’s missing.”

“Not our toilet! What kind of dastardly fiend would steal our most treasured toilet!” Papyrus turns to Sans and speaks in a tone clearly meant to be a whisper even though you can hear it from clear across the room. “Sans, what’s a toilet?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right.” Sans leers at you. “Human food has to be digested. You get all the nutrients and benefits the same as with monster food, but it leaves something behind, doesn’t it?” 

He phrases it like a question but, from the way his grin steadily grows you can tell he knows _exactly_ what human food does to the body and what it’s doing to _your_ body specifically.

“Seems pretty wasteful if you ask me,” he says with a shrug.

You grit your teeth. “I _didn’t_.”

“Wait. So a toilet is like a human-version of a trash can? Because we have one of those!” Papyrus looks at you with wide eye sockets and a toothy grin. “Feel free to visit the trash can too!”

“Papyrus,” you frown, “I can’t use your trash can.”

“Why not?”

“Yeah,” Sans pipes in, “Why not? Please, tell us in explicit detail.” His smug grin just keeps widening by the second because he knows _why not_ and he knows you know he knows. Papyrus, however, seems to have no idea what’s going on but looks at you expectantly, eager to learn something new about his strange human friend.

Bladder full and bowels in need of evacuating, you are not in the right state of mind to be having this discussion. “I’m done talking about this.”

“Why? Did the conversation exhaust you?” The ridges of Sans’ brow wiggles. “ Because you look like you’re _pooped_.”

You stare at the small skeleton with a look of death.

“Sorry, buddy. I didn’t mean to _piss_ you off.”

The only thing that keeps you from knocking Sans’ skull right off his shoulders is the immediate need to relieve yourself. “I’ll be outside for a couple minutes.”

“Have fun!” Papyrus calls after you as you head towards the back door.

You open your mouth to say something snippy but, seeing Papyrus’ earnest expression, you can’t bring yourself to tell him off. You just mumble a quiet thanks before you step out in search for a large, privacy-enforcing bush.

You’re never drinking coffee again.

**Author's Note:**

> So, for those of you who weren’t scared off by the story’s topic and read this to the end, I’d like some input for what stories you’d like to see from me next. I have a few different ideas in mind and it would be nice to see what you guys are most interested in reading. So here’s a list of story ideas that have been requested or that I just want to write in the near future:
> 
> Another Reader x Grillbz sequel (one-shot)  
> Reader goes to a wedding with Papyrus and Sans (long one-shot or multi-chaptered)  
> Papyrus takes care of a sick reader (one-shot)  
> Reader is on a Mettaton-hosted dating game show with 3 minor characters as the bachelors (one-shot)  
> Explicit reader and Sans do the sex, no-strings-attached (one-shot)  
> Reader trying to survive the Underfell Alternate Universe (multi-chaptered and much darker than my other Undertale stories)
> 
> Let me know what you want to see most and depending on what’s most popular, I’ll try and focus my attention on that. Thanks for your time my fellow sinners. ;)


End file.
